Monday, December 15, 2008

"Daddy's Little Girl"

Anyone that knows me at all knows that I have major issues with my paternal parental unit. Recently I discovered that my maternal parental unit has been pouring salt on my paternal unit's multitude issues with me and every other female on the planet.

In a nutshell, my parents are both douches. I have spent my life knowing that Dean was disappointed that I was born without a penis and was therefore not worth investing in, in any way. The reason I know this you might ask? Because Carlene made sure I knew.

Along with the wounds that were inflicted on my by hearing Dean repeatedly refere to women as "cracks" in my presence. Carlene thought it her job to undermine be by saying things to me like "girls just aren't good at math" and girls just aren't very athletic." Really? Are you people for real?

The consequences of these and many other infractions? I am a person that constantly feels inferior and insecure. I assume people think the worst of me all the time. It is very difficult for me to receive love or acceptance. Worst of all the simplest interaction with others can feel like a deeply personal rejection. I have had a whole day of this scheissbrot.

My biggest issues are predictably with men. I live in this tension of desiring love, acceptance, and respect from the men in my life that I respect and this feeling of foreboding. Ultimately, I expect to be abandoned or at least rejected by any man I get close to. I live with a lot of regret and disappointment regarding my relationships with men.

I know it is irrational and I should have a better sense of who I am. It is more irritating than I can tell you that I have to deal with this so frequently. My deepest fear? Having other's think me stupid.

Today, I am in pain. I wish the whole world would just bugger off. I'm left wondering how I can feel this way when I have such a cool church family here. Obviously I am the one that is fucked up. I apologize if you have ever been the object of an irrational response from me.

Once again I am left asking the question, why does life have to be so fucking Bitter Sweet?