BitterSweet

I got my very first ink just one week before my Dad passed away. I have had several people ask me why I picked the word "BitterSweet", I intended to blog about it weeks ago but of course I have been processing my father's death.

The word Bittersweet has a lot of meaning to me. I suppose it sums up the human experience in a word. To me almost everything is bittersweet but especially relationships of every kind.

Bittersweet is the essence of life on this planet I think. This is why I chose it.

In The End

I buried my father this week. He died on 1/1/09 from a heart attack. My week was filled will running here and there going to appointments and making phone calls. Making sure everything came together for a proper memorial.

My week was also peppered with different people sharing their thoughts and memories of my dad. I will never forget watching my brother's face light up when the Pastor asked us to share some memories of my father. My brother smiled and told many stories. I sat mostly in silence. My brother spent his spare time preparing some thoughts he wanted to share at the funeral. I had nothing to share.

After my brother shared what he had prepared, the pastor asked if anyone else would like to share anything. Many did. His best friend from childhood flew all the way from Texas to be there. I had cousins come in from Arizona and So Cal. There were many people present. There were many cards and flowers sent. Loads of food delivered to my mother's home.

This was all very good for me to witness. I have been so focused on all the mistakes my dad has made and all the shitty things he has done to his family that I had forgotten that there was any good at all in my dad. But there was. I'm glad he is at rest. My heart grieves more for my mother and my brother than for any myself. I don't feel like I lost much. He didn't have much to give me. I am glad to know that there were some things about his life to be proud of though.

Wish You Were Here...At Some Point...EVER...

These are strange words for me to write immediately after my last post, but here goes. Yesterday I called my parents to make peace and find some reconciliation with them. It was January first after all, a good time for a new beginning or so I thought. You see, yesterday January 1, 2008, my Father died. He actually died while I was on the phone with my Mother. I don't really feel anything. I imagine that will change when I walk into my parents home this week. It will become real to me. I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling right now or what I might feel in the future. Time will tell I suppose.

"Daddy's Little Girl"

Anyone that knows me at all knows that I have major issues with my paternal parental unit. Recently I discovered that my maternal parental unit has been pouring salt on my paternal unit's multitude issues with me and every other female on the planet.

In a nutshell, my parents are both douches. I have spent my life knowing that Dean was disappointed that I was born without a penis and was therefore not worth investing in, in any way. The reason I know this you might ask? Because Carlene made sure I knew.

Along with the wounds that were inflicted on my by hearing Dean repeatedly refere to women as "cracks" in my presence. Carlene thought it her job to undermine be by saying things to me like "girls just aren't good at math" and girls just aren't very athletic." Really? Are you people for real?

The consequences of these and many other infractions? I am a person that constantly feels inferior and insecure. I assume people think the worst of me all the time. It is very difficult for me to receive love or acceptance. Worst of all the simplest interaction with others can feel like a deeply personal rejection. I have had a whole day of this scheissbrot.

My biggest issues are predictably with men. I live in this tension of desiring love, acceptance, and respect from the men in my life that I respect and this feeling of foreboding. Ultimately, I expect to be abandoned or at least rejected by any man I get close to. I live with a lot of regret and disappointment regarding my relationships with men.

I know it is irrational and I should have a better sense of who I am. It is more irritating than I can tell you that I have to deal with this so frequently. My deepest fear? Having other's think me stupid.

Today, I am in pain. I wish the whole world would just bugger off. I'm left wondering how I can feel this way when I have such a cool church family here. Obviously I am the one that is fucked up. I apologize if you have ever been the object of an irrational response from me.

Once again I am left asking the question, why does life have to be so fucking Bitter Sweet?

Gracie Girl

Sometimes a Mama just has to brag! This is one of those moments. My Gracie has been making the adjustment from traditional religious hell school to year round public school over the past 4 months. She has good days and bad days just like everybody else. She recently took her very first ride in a school bus on a field trip to see the Reno Philharmonic. That was a good day! She is also in the third grade which means she gets letter grades for the first time now. So lots of transition and change for Grace this year.



This past Friday, Gracie came home with her first report card from her new school. She is always anxious for me to open her report cards but this time she was extra excited. As a matter of fact, she didn't wait for me to open it. She opened it and handed it to me from the back seat of our Jeep. She also handed me a certificate with her name on it. I had to look at it for a moment before it sunk in. My baby girl just made honour role for the very first time!! She was so proud! She was just beaming! I am so happy for her.



So this is a shout out to Grace Meredith, the most amazing little girl I have ever known! Way to go girl! I couldn't be more proud of you! I know a little secret too...academic prowess is just one of your many gifts. I love you Gracie girl!

Strength

I had a friend that I really trust tell me that she felt that God was saying I have untapped strength a couple of years ago. I thought wow, that's really cool! Too bad it's total scheissbrot! I dismissed it immediately. It was too difficult for me to believe.

Months later I was praying with some friends that I also trust very much and one of them told me something similar. He said he could see me like a lion. He said a lion isn't afraid of anything or anyone. a lion just is.

I asked God to confirm this "lion" thing. He reminded me of the first thing he said to me months earlier about untapped strength. I've run a Marathon since then so maybe there could be something to this. But it is still difficult for me to get a hold of because I know all of my failures.

Just today yet another friend told me that I am much stronger than I realise. It hit me really hard this time.

Why is it so difficult for us to see the truth? To see ourselves as God sees us? I think we all want to, so why is it so fricken difficult?

Americans Say the Darndest Things

I was hanging out with a couple of people from Australia yesterday at the kiddie water park. They had just met so they started talking about all the things they miss about Australia and how difficult it has been to adjust to living in America. Then they started giving me the list of stupid things Americans say to them...

1) They have black people in Australia?

2) Are you Aborigine?

3) Say something in Australian

4) You speak really good English

5) You have a beautiful french accent