Before I say any more. I want to say that I recognize that many kind, well intentioned people attend this event each year. I have met several of them. They all have this everlasting longing for the next event to fill their that void in their souls. They are people that need real love. My God commands me not to love just the one's that are easy to love, but to love all people.
I'm going to rant a bit, but I promise to speak of the upside of The Burning Man Project later ;-) I find it a little more than disturbing that a deluge of the unenlightened masses engulf the black rock desert from all around the world! seeking to fill their empty souls with consequential connections, a sense of community (in the black rock desert? Seriously), a shrouded spiritual experience through sorcery, the continuous, mind-numbing drums, music, and dance, the unscrupulous pharmacologists, the charlatan alchemists that make promises they can't deliver while cheating the ignorant, and debauchery of all sorts that I am sure I know nothing of. Clothing is optional and you can do pretty much whatever you want for the week.
All of this, for one week out of every year always leaving the rest of us to experience, the spiritual fallout. We are left to clean up the filthy atmosphere and deal with the imps left behind to make sure the cycle continues.
OK, ready for the upside of Burning Man? There is a deluge of unenlightened masses that engulf the black rock desert all ready and willing to spend their dollars, Euros, Yen, you name it. It all ends up benefiting our economy.
It's been over a year since I posted anything. I really need to process here but I have felt paralyzed with hopelessness. I'm done with that. It's a waste of time. Such a shame. My dad is gone and I'm ready to heal...from many wounds, inflicted by many people. Time to move forward. Here I go...
I got my very first ink just one week before my Dad passed away. I have had several people ask me why I picked the word "BitterSweet", I intended to blog about it weeks ago but of course I have been processing my father's death.
The word Bittersweet has a lot of meaning to me. I suppose it sums up the human experience in a word. To me almost everything is bittersweet but especially relationships of every kind.
Bittersweet is the essence of life on this planet I think. This is why I chose it.
I buried my father this week. He died on 1/1/09 from a heart attack. My week was filled will running here and there going to appointments and making phone calls. Making sure everything came together for a proper memorial.
My week was also peppered with different people sharing their thoughts and memories of my dad. I will never forget watching my brother's face light up when the Pastor asked us to share some memories of my father. My brother smiled and told many stories. I sat mostly in silence. My brother spent his spare time preparing some thoughts he wanted to share at the funeral. I had nothing to share.
After my brother shared what he had prepared, the pastor asked if anyone else would like to share anything. Many did. His best friend from childhood flew all the way from Texas to be there. I had cousins come in from Arizona and So Cal. There were many people present. There were many cards and flowers sent. Loads of food delivered to my mother's home.
This was all very good for me to witness. I have been so focused on all the mistakes my dad has made and all the shitty things he has done to his family that I had forgotten that there was any good at all in my dad. But there was. I'm glad he is at rest. My heart grieves more for my mother and my brother than for any myself. I don't feel like I lost much. He didn't have much to give me. I am glad to know that there were some things about his life to be proud of though.
These are strange words for me to write immediately after my last post, but here goes. Yesterday I called my parents to make peace and find some reconciliation with them. It was January first after all, a good time for a new beginning or so I thought. You see, yesterday January 1, 2008, my Father died. He actually died while I was on the phone with my Mother. I don't really feel anything. I imagine that will change when I walk into my parents home this week. It will become real to me. I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling right now or what I might feel in the future. Time will tell I suppose.
Anyone that knows me at all knows that I have major issues with my paternal parental unit. Recently I discovered that my maternal parental unit has been pouring salt on my paternal unit's multitude issues with me and every other female on the planet.
In a nutshell, my parents are both douches. I have spent my life knowing that Dean was disappointed that I was born without a penis and was therefore not worth investing in, in any way. The reason I know this you might ask? Because Carlene made sure I knew.
Along with the wounds that were inflicted on my by hearing Dean repeatedly refere to women as "cracks" in my presence. Carlene thought it her job to undermine be by saying things to me like "girls just aren't good at math" and girls just aren't very athletic." Really? Are you people for real?
The consequences of these and many other infractions? I am a person that constantly feels inferior and insecure. I assume people think the worst of me all the time. It is very difficult for me to receive love or acceptance. Worst of all the simplest interaction with others can feel like a deeply personal rejection. I have had a whole day of this scheissbrot.
My biggest issues are predictably with men. I live in this tension of desiring love, acceptance, and respect from the men in my life that I respect and this feeling of foreboding. Ultimately, I expect to be abandoned or at least rejected by any man I get close to. I live with a lot of regret and disappointment regarding my relationships with men.
I know it is irrational and I should have a better sense of who I am. It is more irritating than I can tell you that I have to deal with this so frequently. My deepest fear? Having other's think me stupid.
Today, I am in pain. I wish the whole world would just bugger off. I'm left wondering how I can feel this way when I have such a cool church family here. Obviously I am the one that is fucked up. I apologize if you have ever been the object of an irrational response from me.
Once again I am left asking the question, why does life have to be so fucking Bitter Sweet?
I love being a wife and a mother to two amazing people. I just ran my first marathon in 2007. I really wish I could travel more. Germany is at the top of the list of course. I love people and I really love hearing their stories...everybody has one.