Monday, December 15, 2008

"Daddy's Little Girl"


Anyone that knows me at all knows that I have major issues with my paternal parental unit. Recently I discovered that my maternal parental unit has been pouring salt on my paternal unit's multitude issues with me and every other female on the planet.

In a nutshell, my parents are both douches. I have spent my life knowing that Dean was disappointed that I was born without a penis and was therefore not worth investing in, in any way. The reason I know this you might ask? Because Carlene made sure I knew.

Along with the wounds that were inflicted on my by hearing Dean repeatedly refere to women as "cracks" in my presence. Carlene thought it her job to undermine be by saying things to me like "girls just aren't good at math" and girls just aren't very athletic." Really? Are you people for real?

The consequences of these and many other infractions? I am a person that constantly feels inferior and insecure. I assume people think the worst of me all the time. It is very difficult for me to receive love or acceptance. Worst of all the simplest interaction with others can feel like a deeply personal rejection. I have had a whole day of this scheissbrot.

My biggest issues are predictably with men. I live in this tension of desiring love, acceptance, and respect from the men in my life that I respect and this feeling of foreboding. Ultimately, I expect to be abandoned or at least rejected by any man I get close to. I live with a lot of regret and disappointment regarding my relationships with men.

I know it is irrational and I should have a better sense of who I am. It is more irritating than I can tell you that I have to deal with this so frequently. My deepest fear? Having other's think me stupid.

Today, I am in pain. I wish the whole world would just bugger off. I'm left wondering how I can feel this way when I have such a cool church family here. Obviously I am the one that is fucked up. I apologize if you have ever been the object of an irrational response from me.

Once again I am left asking the question, why does life have to be so fucking Bitter Sweet?

10 comments:

TPluckyT said...

I'm sorry for your pain, Susanne . . . But I love you and I'm confident we will make it through this together . . . Hang in there . . .

Eugene said...

You certainly deserved a lot better than what you got Sue and you turned out a lot better than you should have by conventional wisdom.

Jason said...

Nothing about this process is easy, but so worth it (keep pressing on:) I am sorry for you pain. Lots of Love!

Mindy

digapigmy said...

get an irrational response from you - a woman? surely you jest.

born without a penis? it's not that bad, just ask [insert random male acquaintance here].

in all seriousness, i'd try to explain how many irrational responses i've gotten from all women in my life but i doubt you would be able to comprehend such a large number with your female brain.

word verification: stynt - i comment because i care

David said...

I'm finding that my ability to be as pessimistic as possible has allowed me to swing just as far in the other direction (good thing I have not found this to be true of my preference for women).

The silver lining here is that you do have a great church family and God is in your life. Imagine where you'd be if you didn't have those things. I bet it sounds something like "Night train" by Guns 'n Roses.

I'll send it to you.

Jeni said...

I'm sorry that you are having a tough time right now. You should know that you are beautiful and that your friendship has made life better for quite a few of us.
Love you!

Randy said...

I am really sorry for your pain. You are a smart, fun and wonderful person. Working through rejection sometimes feels like it takes forever, but there has to be good that comes from all the pain. I hope... because we have to.

Alex said...

Hey Sue, Germany loves you, hope you have a nice christmas with the family that loves you!!!

bye, alex + linda

RandomSue said...

I have friends. It feels good.

RandomSue said...

I read through these comments again today. Brent and Opie - you both made me laugh so hard! Thanks for that.