Wish You Were Here...At Some Point...EVER...

These are strange words for me to write immediately after my last post, but here goes. Yesterday I called my parents to make peace and find some reconciliation with them. It was January first after all, a good time for a new beginning or so I thought. You see, yesterday January 1, 2008, my Father died. He actually died while I was on the phone with my Mother. I don't really feel anything. I imagine that will change when I walk into my parents home this week. It will become real to me. I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling right now or what I might feel in the future. Time will tell I suppose.

"Daddy's Little Girl"

Anyone that knows me at all knows that I have major issues with my paternal parental unit. Recently I discovered that my maternal parental unit has been pouring salt on my paternal unit's multitude issues with me and every other female on the planet.

In a nutshell, my parents are both douches. I have spent my life knowing that Dean was disappointed that I was born without a penis and was therefore not worth investing in, in any way. The reason I know this you might ask? Because Carlene made sure I knew.

Along with the wounds that were inflicted on my by hearing Dean repeatedly refere to women as "cracks" in my presence. Carlene thought it her job to undermine be by saying things to me like "girls just aren't good at math" and girls just aren't very athletic." Really? Are you people for real?

The consequences of these and many other infractions? I am a person that constantly feels inferior and insecure. I assume people think the worst of me all the time. It is very difficult for me to receive love or acceptance. Worst of all the simplest interaction with others can feel like a deeply personal rejection. I have had a whole day of this scheissbrot.

My biggest issues are predictably with men. I live in this tension of desiring love, acceptance, and respect from the men in my life that I respect and this feeling of foreboding. Ultimately, I expect to be abandoned or at least rejected by any man I get close to. I live with a lot of regret and disappointment regarding my relationships with men.

I know it is irrational and I should have a better sense of who I am. It is more irritating than I can tell you that I have to deal with this so frequently. My deepest fear? Having other's think me stupid.

Today, I am in pain. I wish the whole world would just bugger off. I'm left wondering how I can feel this way when I have such a cool church family here. Obviously I am the one that is fucked up. I apologize if you have ever been the object of an irrational response from me.

Once again I am left asking the question, why does life have to be so fucking Bitter Sweet?

Trying to stay focused on the good stuff

Life is both wonderful and difficult right now. Plucky and I just returned from Oregon where we celebrated our daughter's wedding. That part is wonderful and I am so happy for her. She is so full of life.

Unfortunately, Tim's Mom is being given only weeks to live now rather than months and she really is suffering. My father in law looks so tired and so sad. I hate watching the unnecessary death.

We also have my "Dad" who happens to be a real tool. (I'm actually being quite charitable with that comment.) He was so busy pitching a fit about God knows what when we were in my home town this past week that he didn't even want to see me or my children. We weren't even allowed in the house. Very painful.

I love my husband. How is it that I am so blessed with such a wonderful guy? Thank you Jesus that I didn't marry someone like my "Dad".