Anyone that knows me at all knows that I have major issues with my paternal parental unit. Recently I discovered that my maternal parental unit has been pouring salt on my paternal unit's multitude issues with me and every other female on the planet.
In a nutshell, my parents are both douches. I have spent my life knowing that Dean was disappointed that I was born without a penis and was therefore not worth investing in, in any way. The reason I know this you might ask? Because Carlene made sure I knew.
Along with the wounds that were inflicted on my by hearing Dean repeatedly refere to women as "cracks" in my presence. Carlene thought it her job to undermine be by saying things to me like "girls just aren't good at math" and girls just aren't very athletic." Really? Are you people for real?
The consequences of these and many other infractions? I am a person that constantly feels inferior and insecure. I assume people think the worst of me all the time. It is very difficult for me to receive love or acceptance. Worst of all the simplest interaction with others can feel like a deeply personal rejection. I have had a whole day of this scheissbrot.
My biggest issues are predictably with men. I live in this tension of desiring love, acceptance, and respect from the men in my life that I respect and this feeling of foreboding. Ultimately, I expect to be abandoned or at least rejected by any man I get close to. I live with a lot of regret and disappointment regarding my relationships with men.
I know it is irrational and I should have a better sense of who I am. It is more irritating than I can tell you that I have to deal with this so frequently. My deepest fear? Having other's think me stupid.
Today, I am in pain. I wish the whole world would just bugger off. I'm left wondering how I can feel this way when I have such a cool church family here. Obviously I am the one that is fucked up. I apologize if you have ever been the object of an irrational response from me.
Once again I am left asking the question, why does life have to be so fucking Bitter Sweet?
Sometimes a Mama just has to brag! This is one of those moments. My Gracie has been making the adjustment from traditional religious hell school to year round public school over the past 4 months. She has good days and bad days just like everybody else. She recently took her very first ride in a school bus on a field trip to see the Reno Philharmonic. That was a good day! She is also in the third grade which means she gets letter grades for the first time now. So lots of transition and change for Grace this year.
This past Friday, Gracie came home with her first report card from her new school. She is always anxious for me to open her report cards but this time she was extra excited. As a matter of fact, she didn't wait for me to open it. She opened it and handed it to me from the back seat of our Jeep. She also handed me a certificate with her name on it. I had to look at it for a moment before it sunk in. My baby girl just made honour role for the very first time!! She was so proud! She was just beaming! I am so happy for her.
So this is a shout out to Grace Meredith, the most amazing little girl I have ever known! Way to go girl! I couldn't be more proud of you! I know a little secret too...academic prowess is just one of your many gifts. I love you Gracie girl!
I had a friend that I really trust tell me that she felt that God was saying I have untapped strength a couple of years ago. I thought wow, that's really cool! Too bad it's total scheissbrot! I dismissed it immediately. It was too difficult for me to believe.
Months later I was praying with some friends that I also trust very much and one of them told me something similar. He said he could see me like a lion. He said a lion isn't afraid of anything or anyone. a lion just is.
I asked God to confirm this "lion" thing. He reminded me of the first thing he said to me months earlier about untapped strength. I've run a Marathon since then so maybe there could be something to this. But it is still difficult for me to get a hold of because I know all of my failures.
Just today yet another friend told me that I am much stronger than I realise. It hit me really hard this time.
Why is it so difficult for us to see the truth? To see ourselves as God sees us? I think we all want to, so why is it so fricken difficult?
I was hanging out with a couple of people from Australia yesterday at the kiddie water park. They had just met so they started talking about all the things they miss about Australia and how difficult it has been to adjust to living in America. Then they started giving me the list of stupid things Americans say to them...
The following article was written by my friend, Eugene Smit, in September of 2007. I found it in a dark corner of his Facebook page. It is so worth reading. so well stated and unfortunately, so true. Enjoy...
Ah yes, one of life’s biggest questions (a hair behind “Why are we here?” and “How much did I drink last night?”) has always been: Why do women always complain that there are no nice guys out there? It boggles the mind! Why there are tons of nice guy out there! It’s just that they are completely invisible to women at large. A guy can be friggin’ Mother Theresa with a penis and to all those women looking for that ever elusive “nice guy” he may as well be the ACTUAL mother Teresa* for all the interest they will show. Sure, sure, he will be a shoe-in for “good platonic friend #14” but in every other relationship sense he might as well be Frank the invisible eunuch. On the other hand, show that same woman an utterly self centered, misogynistic, insanely jealous, ill tempered, socially inept, boorish jerk and she will be all over him before you can say “all the good men are married or gay”.
But, now we need marvel at this no more. Once more science comes to the rescue and explains it all. Just like guys are biologically unable to not check out a girls’ figure (for which men have been taking flak for untold centuries I might add), it would seem that biologically speaking women are relationship lemmings. A recent study, done at Bristol University, has shown that despite what women may say they want, what they really want is a man that can flirt. Yes, gasp in astonishment cause that is all that it comes down to apparently. And I must admit it explains a lot. That cocky asshole you know who can’t stop scoring? Well duh! Clearly the fact that he is cocky asshole is a signal to women that he has vigour and social confidence and hence good genes. How in the world did the nice girl who keeps “falling down stairs” and “walking into doors” end up with that abusive son of a bitch? Well clearly he knew how to flirt silly!
So why is the nice guy population out there shrinking? Well ladies you don’t even need to do a scientific study on that one – you but need to understand the most basic of truths about men: Men are exactly what they need to be to get the girl. No more, no less. Therefore if the princess prefers ogres to knights, don’t blame the knight for giving up and becoming an ogre.
Since it was such interesting reading (and since no one believes you unless you have “Dr” in front of your name) I included the article on this fascinating study. I think it gives a lot of good news. Firstly to Jerks everywhere – you don’t have to listen to Oprah, chicks will dig you, they can’t help it. Then to nice guys out there (presuming there are still nice guys left who have heard the soul crushing, heart ripping, utterly castrating “I like you, but as a friend” speech again and again and still haven’t given up on being a nice guy in utter despair), there is also good news – you don’t actually have to become a jerk! Just sharpen those flirting skills and you may actually get the girl without being an ass! (No promises though) For the girls, well I guess you don’t get to have any good news. Turns out you are as much prisoners of biology as we are. So suck it. Next time you talk about how men are pigs, keep in mind that in the very same way, women are lemmings.
Jerks who flirt often get the girl David Derbyshire It's always been a mystery to the nice guys out there: Why do women fall for the most horrible of men? Now psychologists believe they have discovered why. They say a man's talent for flirting can cancel out his more antisocial traits. Women will apparently overlook even the nastiest of tempers if a fellow has a glint in his eye. Psychologist Dr Andrew Clark, who led the study at Bristol University, said: “Anti-social men can make up a lot of ground by just being flirtatious.” His study tested the effects of flirting on 27 women. They were asked to rank animated images of men's faces in order of attractiveness and how flirty they were. “We found that the two coincided – the most flirtatious faces were perceived as being the most attractive," said Dr Clark. The faces were then paired up with a series of anti-social and “pro-social” statements – such as “Old people bore me” or “I really enjoy helping old people” – and shown to the women again. When looking at the “good guys”, the women paid little attention to how flirtatious the men were when deciding who was most attractive. But when shown the anti-social faces, flirtatiousness mattered once more. Clark said that a flirtatious man showed vigour and social confidence – clues that he might have good genes. - Daily Mail
*When I say “actual mother Teresa” I of course mean Mother Teresa as we knew her in life. Not reanimated Zombie Mother Teresa. That would just be creepy as hell. And yet strangely enough would still work in the metaphor I was using…
According to the Second Edition of the Oxford English Dictionary there are over 171,000 words in the English language. Why is it that we only have one real term of endearment? As Rob Bell says, "I love my wife and I love...tacos?" I have been told that other languages have terms of endearment for different forms or levels, if you will, of affection. I get so frustrated by this lack in the English language.
When I say "I love you" to my husband, it means quite literally until death do us part. I'm in for the long haul whether I FEEL like it or not. The good times and the bad.
When I say I say "I love you" to my children there is commitment there too. Never going to leave you kid.
When I say "I love you" to a friend, I mean I have a deep affinity or affection for you and my life is better for having you in it.
I really wish there were words to describe these very different forms of affection.
My friend, Eugene recently posted a blog about what it means to be a "real man." In the beginning of the post he asks some very amusing questions that he has asked as a man. I have been mulling around the idea of doing something similar for a couple of weeks because it amused me so much. I just decided to ask questions I have,not questions anyone else might have. I think I have one for every year of my life. No counting please!
What the hell is she looking at? How much am I fucking up my children? Why did God trust me with them anyway? Have I become uninteresting because I choose to stay home with my children? What the hell is he looking at? what if we are actually living in the Matrix? Will I ever meet Paul Hewson? (I would actually prefer a hug from him) Will I still be enthralled with King David when I actually meet him? Why do I have such awesome friends? Why does God give me so many wants when there are so many people with real needs? How long will I have to live without my Tim? Why doesn't God ever give up on me? What the hell was U2 thinking when they released "Pop?" Why do weeds grow faster than plants that are given lots of TLC? Why did I get totally screwed in the parent department? Why does Louie D "believe in me?" Why does Doc Sandy live 6,000 miles away? Should I even consider spending my husbands hard earned money on vanities like getting rid of all the sun damage on my face and chest or the spider veins on my legs? Why has it become so difficult for me to finish a book? Why can't my husband meed ALL my needs? Why can't I get a kitten? What did I do with all my time before the invention of the Internet?(a special shout out to Al Gore) Why are little girls so afraid of bugs? Is is really possible to be healed of all of my wounds? When will I go to Germany again? Why do people tell birthing horror stories to pregnant women? Will I ever visit Africa? What will my children be like when they grow up? How did my brother grow up to be such a fine man? Why haven't i learned to speak a different language yet? Why don't i mind being called "grandma" anymore? How old will I be when I die? Why do I relate so well with Chelsea Handler? Does Tim still think I'm joking when I tell him we are retiring on the Costa Brava, Spain? why is it so difficult for me to confront painting the inside of my home? Why does life have to be bittersweet?
I had a very unexpected phone call the day before Tim's Mom passed. I pick up all calls on my cell now even if I don't recognize the number since we got rid of our land line. So I say hello and voice on the other end of the line says "hi it's Mic."
I was so stunned, I was just silent for a second or three and then I blurted out, I miss you! I love you!
Michele was my most favorite girl friend in all the world for 13 years and then it just ended very abruptly about 3 years ago.
I really grieved losing her. I'm glad she is back in my life.
I met an interesting young woman yesterday. The most amazing part is that it happened right outside my own home. She was standing in my neighbor's driveway looking a little stressed. I introduced myself and she told me in this beautiful Australian accent that her name is Tasha. She had two beautiful children with her. Her oldest Luca 4 years old and her youngest Sophia 1 year old.
Tasha is a tiny little 5" 100 pounder with a larger than life personality. It turns out that she just moved in down the street about a week ago. She and her husband,Pharoah don't have their phone hooked up yet and he is a firefighter at a firehouse in Reno. She was stressing because she had a flat tire, was feeling nauseous and had no idea if she needed to pick her husband up in the morning or not. I let her use my phone to leave her husband a message at the firehouse and then we said goodbye.
About an hour later she was back on my doorstep to use my phone again. I told her that instead having her drive on that tire, not knowing if it is safe or not, I would be willing to just pick her and the kids up in the morning and take them to the firehouse to pick up Pharoah. When she called to leave another message for him, she found out that he was out on a fire. She looked worried. She told me she really never gets used to the danger element of her husbands job. We invited her and her children in and she ended up staying until about 10:30pm. She is a very interesting girl to say the least. You know me...I love to hear a good story.
We talked all about the ins and outs of how her father left Africa to live in the UK for a while and then he ended up in Australia where he met her Mother. She told me her parents were never married to each other and her Mother was determined to be a single Mum with a racially mixed daughter against the wishes of her grandparents.
She told me how she met her husband (he is American) when he was playing professional basketball in Australia. They have been married for six years and she is still very much in love. It was very cool to hear her tone of voice and see her facial expressions when she would talk about him.
I learned that she sings in a band with her husband. They just played a popular club her in Reno called Nikki Beach.
Long story made short is Pharoah got held over another day so I just ended up taking my new friend to get her tire fixed while we hung out at Starbucks this morning.
I find this kind of interesting because I told a friend earlier this week that I was feeling lonely. Summertime can be difficult for me because when my kids are home, I tend to have a lot less contact with other adults. Now, I have another stay at home Mom that shares my faith and is a lot of fun. Yay for me!!!
I woke up this morning feeling better than I have felt in weeks. I have been feeling like crap both physically and emotionally. Today was different. I woke up at 5:30am and went for a run. Just me and Coldplay. I came home and drew myself a bath. As I was soaking, I found myself pondering why I am feeling so good today. What changed? I have been paying more attention to my water intake but there was more to it than that. I realized that in spite of all of my angst I still showed up to cook dinner for the youth on Wednesday night. I knew it would cheer me up to be around my church family. It did. On Thursday I had dinner with some friends that live on my street. I had a lot of fun there too. On Friday, we had some friends over for wine and conversation. We laughed a lot! On Saturday, we got a last minute invitation to a tattoo party. It was really fun hanging out with friends and actually watching them get their ink.
I really think all of this time with friends was tangibly beneficial to both my physical body and my emotions. I am so thankful for the friendships I have. I am truly blessed.
In my previous post you will see random snapshots of people I would call friends.
Life is both wonderful and difficult right now. Plucky and I just returned from Oregon where we celebrated our daughter's wedding. That part is wonderful and I am so happy for her. She is so full of life.
Unfortunately, Tim's Mom is being given only weeks to live now rather than months and she really is suffering. My father in law looks so tired and so sad. I hate watching the unnecessary death.
We also have my "Dad" who happens to be a real tool. (I'm actually being quite charitable with that comment.) He was so busy pitching a fit about God knows what when we were in my home town this past week that he didn't even want to see me or my children. We weren't even allowed in the house. Very painful.
I love my husband. How is it that I am so blessed with such a wonderful guy? Thank you Jesus that I didn't marry someone like my "Dad".
I had an interesting experience last week. I had a sinus infection several weeks ago. I had to beg, borrow, and steal to get a z-pack because I don't have a family practice doc. I decided it was time to address this problem. I got advice from a few friends before making an appointment with a doctor here in town who shall remain nameless. She came very highly recommended and I felt even more confident when I called her clinic and the the woman who answered the phone gushed on and on about what a wonderful doctor I was going to soon see. Unfortunately, I had to wait three weeks for an appointment. I thought this lady must really be popular!
The magic day finally arrived. I drove down to the clinic very excited to meet my new doc. The clinic looked very tidy from the outside. A well maintained red brick building with an even better parking lot. I walked in the front door, took a quick look around and wondered if I was in the right place. The guy at the front desk was cordial enough but I was still in shock at what I was seeing in the waiting area. There were so many people crammed into such a small place that I'm sure they had to breaking a fire code and of course the only place I could find to sit was next to this old guy with a bad toupee. He smelled weird and he wouldn't stop calling people on his cell phone just to bitch at them. Very annoying.
I took a deep breath and began filling out my new patient paper work. I arrived a whole fifteen minutes early to this too! I grew more and more uncomfortable as I began to actually look at the people around me. There were people in pajamas with blankets wrapped around them and the phlegm, my God the phlegm! I thought, this is a freaking urgent care and nobody bothered to mention this little detail to me. As the clock kept ticking I started toying with the idea of just leaving. I decided the to stay just a little longer though since I had to pee so bad.
The bathroom turned out to be an adventure all on it's own. Lets see, where do I start? The floor had obviously not been mopped maybe ever, the toilet seat was hanging by only one hinge which is tricky when you are a girl, the sink and everything around it made me wonder if I would expose myself to more germs by washing my hands or not washing my hands. (I gutted it up and took the chance on washing them.)
I went back out to the waiting area for a little while longer. Since my appointment was at 9:15 and it was now 10:00. I decided that they must be more comfortable taking care of people who have no appointments at all and that they were apparently making a good business of it. When I announced to the receptionist that I was unwilling to wait any longer, he informed me that mornings are always busy for them and he asked me if I would like to come back in the afternoon.
Let me think, I live in Spanish Springs and this clinic is in down town Reno. Gas is pushing $4 a gallon plus, An afternoon outing would mean that I would have to bring my currently healthy children with me to this petri dish of infection and disease. How bout NO!!
I can't help myself, I have to rant a bit. That's what blogs are for right? I got together with some friends this week. We were having random girl talk, jumping from subject to subject. I was telling the girls about this cool book my husband bought me when this woman I don't know very well joined the conversation. The book happens to be called "Skinny Bitch". Don't let the title scare you. The book is actually about nutrition and contains all kinds of scientific data to back up the points the authors make. It just happens to be written in a very entertaining style. Anyway, the new chick was more than a little negative about the fact that I was reading this book. She even suggested that I was causing damage to my 8 year old daughter by having this book in our house. I'm guessing by looking at this woman that the title of the book hit a nerve with her. Of course this was unintentional on my part, but it didn't keep her from moving in for the kill. I have never met a woman that doesn't spend time second guessing her ability to raise emotionally healthy children. She definity got even with me. Sometimes I wonder why I even try to attend group functions for women only. I end up discouraged almost every time. I am still learning how to play nice with other girls I guess. Thank God men find me amusing or I might be a very lonely person.
I love being a wife and a mother to two amazing people. I just ran my first marathon in 2007. I really wish I could travel more. Germany is at the top of the list of course. I love people and I really love hearing their stories...everybody has one.