BitterSweet

I got my very first ink just one week before my Dad passed away. I have had several people ask me why I picked the word "BitterSweet", I intended to blog about it weeks ago but of course I have been processing my father's death.

The word Bittersweet has a lot of meaning to me. I suppose it sums up the human experience in a word. To me almost everything is bittersweet but especially relationships of every kind.

Bittersweet is the essence of life on this planet I think. This is why I chose it.

In The End

I buried my father this week. He died on 1/1/09 from a heart attack. My week was filled will running here and there going to appointments and making phone calls. Making sure everything came together for a proper memorial.

My week was also peppered with different people sharing their thoughts and memories of my dad. I will never forget watching my brother's face light up when the Pastor asked us to share some memories of my father. My brother smiled and told many stories. I sat mostly in silence. My brother spent his spare time preparing some thoughts he wanted to share at the funeral. I had nothing to share.

After my brother shared what he had prepared, the pastor asked if anyone else would like to share anything. Many did. His best friend from childhood flew all the way from Texas to be there. I had cousins come in from Arizona and So Cal. There were many people present. There were many cards and flowers sent. Loads of food delivered to my mother's home.

This was all very good for me to witness. I have been so focused on all the mistakes my dad has made and all the shitty things he has done to his family that I had forgotten that there was any good at all in my dad. But there was. I'm glad he is at rest. My heart grieves more for my mother and my brother than for any myself. I don't feel like I lost much. He didn't have much to give me. I am glad to know that there were some things about his life to be proud of though.

Wish You Were Here...At Some Point...EVER...

These are strange words for me to write immediately after my last post, but here goes. Yesterday I called my parents to make peace and find some reconciliation with them. It was January first after all, a good time for a new beginning or so I thought. You see, yesterday January 1, 2008, my Father died. He actually died while I was on the phone with my Mother. I don't really feel anything. I imagine that will change when I walk into my parents home this week. It will become real to me. I don't know what I am supposed to be feeling right now or what I might feel in the future. Time will tell I suppose.