Saturday, August 23, 2008

Americans Say the Darndest Things

I was hanging out with a couple of people from Australia yesterday at the kiddie water park. They had just met so they started talking about all the things they miss about Australia and how difficult it has been to adjust to living in America. Then they started giving me the list of stupid things Americans say to them...

1) They have black people in Australia?

2) Are you Aborigine?

3) Say something in Australian

4) You speak really good English

5) You have a beautiful french accent

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Michele My Belle...

Here is my friend Mic. I had to do her a solid and post some current photos.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

The Internet Really is for Porn...

Nice Guys Really Do Finish Last

The following article was written by my friend, Eugene Smit, in September of 2007. I found it in a dark corner of his Facebook page. It is so worth reading. so well stated and unfortunately, so true. Enjoy...

Ah yes, one of life’s biggest questions (a hair behind “Why are we here?” and “How much did I drink last night?”) has always been: Why do women always complain that there are no nice guys out there? It boggles the mind! Why there are tons of nice guy out there! It’s just that they are completely invisible to women at large. A guy can be friggin’ Mother Theresa with a penis and to all those women looking for that ever elusive “nice guy” he may as well be the ACTUAL mother Teresa* for all the interest they will show. Sure, sure, he will be a shoe-in for “good platonic friend #14” but in every other relationship sense he might as well be Frank the invisible eunuch. On the other hand, show that same woman an utterly self centered, misogynistic, insanely jealous, ill tempered, socially inept, boorish jerk and she will be all over him before you can say “all the good men are married or gay”.

But, now we need marvel at this no more. Once more science comes to the rescue and explains it all. Just like guys are biologically unable to not check out a girls’ figure (for which men have been taking flak for untold centuries I might add), it would seem that biologically speaking women are relationship lemmings. A recent study, done at Bristol University, has shown that despite what women may say they want, what they really want is a man that can flirt. Yes, gasp in astonishment cause that is all that it comes down to apparently. And I must admit it explains a lot. That cocky asshole you know who can’t stop scoring? Well duh! Clearly the fact that he is cocky asshole is a signal to women that he has vigour and social confidence and hence good genes. How in the world did the nice girl who keeps “falling down stairs” and “walking into doors” end up with that abusive son of a bitch? Well clearly he knew how to flirt silly!

So why is the nice guy population out there shrinking? Well ladies you don’t even need to do a scientific study on that one – you but need to understand the most basic of truths about men: Men are exactly what they need to be to get the girl. No more, no less. Therefore if the princess prefers ogres to knights, don’t blame the knight for giving up and becoming an ogre.

Since it was such interesting reading (and since no one believes you unless you have “Dr” in front of your name) I included the article on this fascinating study. I think it gives a lot of good news. Firstly to Jerks everywhere – you don’t have to listen to Oprah, chicks will dig you, they can’t help it. Then to nice guys out there (presuming there are still nice guys left who have heard the soul crushing, heart ripping, utterly castrating “I like you, but as a friend” speech again and again and still haven’t given up on being a nice guy in utter despair), there is also good news – you don’t actually have to become a jerk! Just sharpen those flirting skills and you may actually get the girl without being an ass! (No promises though) For the girls, well I guess you don’t get to have any good news. Turns out you are as much prisoners of biology as we are. So suck it. Next time you talk about how men are pigs, keep in mind that in the very same way, women are lemmings.

Jerks who flirt often get the girl
David Derbyshire
It's always been a mystery to the nice guys out there: Why do women fall for the most horrible of men? Now psychologists believe they have discovered why. They say a man's talent for flirting can cancel out his more antisocial traits. Women will apparently overlook even the nastiest of tempers if a fellow has a glint in his eye. Psychologist Dr Andrew Clark, who led the study at Bristol University, said: “Anti-social men can make up a lot of ground by just being flirtatious.” His study tested the effects of flirting on 27 women. They were asked to rank animated images of men's faces in order of attractiveness and how flirty they were. “We found that the two coincided – the most flirtatious faces were perceived as being the most attractive," said Dr Clark. The faces were then paired up with a series of anti-social and “pro-social” statements – such as
“Old people bore me” or “I really enjoy helping old people” – and shown to the women again. When looking at the “good guys”, the women paid little attention to how flirtatious the men were when deciding who was most attractive. But when shown the anti-social faces, flirtatiousness mattered once more. Clark said that a flirtatious man showed vigour and social confidence – clues that he might have good genes. - Daily Mail

*When I say “actual mother Teresa” I of course mean Mother Teresa as we knew her in life. Not reanimated Zombie Mother Teresa. That would just be creepy as hell. And yet strangely enough would still work in the metaphor I was using…

I Love You?

What the hell does that statement mean anyway?

According to the Second Edition of the Oxford English Dictionary there are over 171,000 words in the English language. Why is it that we only have one real term of endearment? As Rob Bell says, "I love my wife and I love...tacos?" I have been told that other languages have terms of endearment for different forms or levels, if you will, of affection. I get so frustrated by this lack in the English language.

When I say "I love you" to my husband, it means quite literally until death do us part. I'm in for the long haul whether I FEEL like it or not. The good times and the bad.

When I say I say "I love you" to my children there is commitment there too. Never going to leave you kid.

When I say "I love you" to a friend, I mean I have a deep affinity or affection for you and my life is better for having you in it.

I really wish there were words to describe these very different forms of affection.

Friday, August 1, 2008

some wonderings...

My friend, Eugene recently posted a blog about what it means to be a "real man." In the beginning of the post he asks some very amusing questions that he has asked as a man. I have been mulling around the idea of doing something similar for a couple of weeks because it amused me so much. I just decided to ask questions I have,not questions anyone else might have. I think I have one for every year of my life. No counting please!

What the hell is she looking at? How much am I fucking up my children? Why did God trust me with them anyway? Have I become uninteresting because I choose to stay home with my children? What the hell is he looking at? what if we are actually living in the Matrix? Will I ever meet Paul Hewson? (I would actually prefer a hug from him) Will I still be enthralled with King David when I actually meet him? Why do I have such awesome friends? Why does God give me so many wants when there are so many people with real needs? How long will I have to live without my Tim? Why doesn't God ever give up on me? What the hell was U2 thinking when they released "Pop?" Why do weeds grow faster than plants that are given lots of TLC? Why did I get totally screwed in the parent department? Why does Louie D "believe in me?" Why does Doc Sandy live 6,000 miles away? Should I even consider spending my husbands hard earned money on vanities like getting rid of all the sun damage on my face and chest or the spider veins on my legs? Why has it become so difficult for me to finish a book? Why can't my husband meed ALL my needs? Why can't I get a kitten? What did I do with all my time before the invention of the Internet?(a special shout out to Al Gore) Why are little girls so afraid of bugs? Is is really possible to be healed of all of my wounds? When will I go to Germany again? Why do people tell birthing horror stories to pregnant women? Will I ever visit Africa? What will my children be like when they grow up? How did my brother grow up to be such a fine man? Why haven't i learned to speak a different language yet? Why don't i mind being called "grandma" anymore? How old will I be when I die? Why do I relate so well with Chelsea Handler? Does Tim still think I'm joking when I tell him we are retiring on the Costa Brava, Spain? why is it so difficult for me to confront painting the inside of my home? Why does life have to be bittersweet?